I have added a wonderful tool to my coaching toolbox: Anger Management with EFT (emotional freedom techniques, meridian tapping).
We cannot deny our emotions as they are part of what makes us human.   However, we can change the patterns, triggers and ways that we express them.  We are not the victim of our emotions. There are patterns to every emotion that, if we can identify them, we can interrupt the pattern and change our behavior with EFT before it causes extreme damage in relationship or to society.

We each have a pattern of anger.  Some of us express it when it is still small. Some push it down so deep, too scared to express it, and  experience it as disease.  And some bottle it up until it bursts  like a volcano surprising everyone with the intensity.  These individuals sometimes do not even
have a clue that anything was wrong.

I’m going to focus on the last pattern, as this is what has happened with many of my clients, or with their partners or ex'es.   The latter played the victim and need help with self-esteem issues.   As children, some of the angry adults had been labeled as having “a bad temper”.  Let's take a look at how this pattern of anger develops.

Sometimes the anger has been brewing throughout the day from one incident early in the day which is annoying. Another a little later on that added fuel to the fire.  So when receiving one more perceived assault, even an actually minor one, anger powerfully unloads, usually misdirected.  Or, perhaps, one individual is  progressively "getting to" the other in a negative way by "nagging", being judgemental, overprotective,  jealous, to name a few.  That keeps happening until a "last straw" is reached.

When the anger outburst prone individual  takes a "time-out"   to apply EFT at the first perceived slight, the first inkling of annoyance or frustration and  is able to get deep into and under the anger then the anger outburst prone individual may be able to voice  concerns with out the associated outburst.

Here is an  Anger Management EFT script that I hope will help you or a loved one as it has helped my clients change an anger pattern.  First you need to start with how you feel in yourself about the anger. Start and continue tapping on the EFT tapping points  while saying the phrases:

Karate Chop:	I was so angry that I can’t accept myself. I’m disappointed in myself. I should be better than this. They didn’t deserve to be the brunt of my anger. I feel so ugly and ashamed at what I did. I don’t know if I will ever be able to change this. I feel like I have no control over my anger. I don’t know if I can ever accept myself when I can get so angry.
Head:	This anger feels more powerful than me
Eyebrows:	I don’t feel like I can control it
Side of Eyes:	Part of me likes the feeling of power that comes with the anger
Under Eyes:	Part of me is so ashamed
Under Nose:	I can’t really accept myself when I can get this angry
Chin Point:	I remember the look on their faces when I was angry
Collarbones:	The fear in their faces, I don’t want them to be afraid of me
Under Arms:	I’m so afraid that the damage done can’t be undone. I don’t know if I deserve to be free of this guilt
Wrist Points:	I don’t believe anyone can really love me when I have this anger within me; I can’t really love myself when I know it’s there.

Continue to tap for a few rounds to cover everything you feel and say about and to yourself about how you behaved.

Now we will use EFT to work on the pattern around the anger.

Karate Chop:	Even though it feels like I have no control over my anger, I choose to notice the way it develops. I have a pattern of anger than can be changed. Even though I have a habit of being angry, I choose to bring to my conscious mind the way my anger develops, so that I can heal it.
Head:	What is the first thing that happens in my body when I’m starting to feel angry?
Eyebrows:	What do I say to myself that tells me I’m getting angry?
Side of Eyes:	Where in my body do I notice the fire of my anger building?
Under Eyes:	There are a number of steps to my anger and I choose to pay attention and notice them
Under Nose:	What is the very first thing that happens that tells me I’m getting angry
Chin Point:	I give my self permission to stop a conversation when I notice the first indicators of anger so that I can do some EFT and deal with the feeling
Collarbones:	As I notice my anger pattern, I gain power over it
Under Arms:	There are a number of things that occur before my anger bursts out, and I choose to notice each of them
Wrist Points:	This pattern has been unconscious until now but I’m making it conscious so that I can change it.

Notice  how your anger builds helps to unravel the mystery of full blown explosions that nobody sees coming. You then have the ability to notice what is triggering your anger and clear those individual triggers. Maybe it’s a tone of voice or a look you receive which starts to get you angry. So do some tapping on the trigger e.g.

Karate Chop:	I felt put down by their sarcastic tone of voice. I felt put down and disrespected by their tone of voice. It reminds me of being talked down to as a child. I don’t want to be talked to like that because I’m now an adult
Head:	Feeling talked down to like a child
Eyebrows:	Feeling disrespected
Side of Eyes:	That tone of voice that gets me angry
Under Eyes:	I want to release all reference events for this trigger
Under Nose:	I’m clearing this trigger for my anger
Chin Point:	That tone of voice that still gets me angry
Collarbones:	I won’t let anyone talk to me that way
Under Arms:	I want to stand up for myself without having to get angry. I am an adult who can express myself
Wrist Points:	As I clear this trigger, I beginning to accept myself even more.

There may be more than one trigger to your anger so continue to tap on each trigger that contributes to your anger pattern.

You may still have shame, guilt, and regret about what happened so here is a final round to do some more clearing.

Karate Chop:	Even though I’m still ashamed at getting so angry, I’m beginning to accept myself. Even though I regret what I did and wish that I could go back and change things, I’m open to accepting myself and the mistakes I made as part of being human. I’m doing my best to improve my behavior, identifying patterns of anger, and clearing the triggers.
Head:	Remaining shame for what happened
Eyebrows:	Remaining regret for how I said what I did
Side of Eyes:	Remaining sadness at the hurt I caused
Under Eyes:	Remaining shame, regret, and sadness
Under Nose:	I choose to notice my anger patterns and diffuse them as soon as I do
Chin Point:	I choose to be forgiving of myself as I do my best to change my behavior
Collarbones:	I’m glad I know how to tap so that I can clear my anger patterns
Under Arms:	I’m learning to access the power within my anger and express it in constructive ways
Wrist Points:	I’m noticing and celebrating even the smallest of improvements in my behavior and I’m becoming even more loving and accepting of myself.

 

This tapping session is an in depth exploration and release of negative feelings that are often surrounding angry outbursts.  You may need further guidance; this may have only opened a door and there is still lots more to acknowledge and release, which is what EFT is about.  Contact me to arrange a complimentary consult for sessions via video skype, telephone, or face to face in Long Island or Queens, NY.  I incorporate EFT into my  Anger-Stress Management Groups at several locations in Long Island and Queens and am certified by the US Courts as an Anger Management Specialist.

Most of us have  heard about expanding self love to improve self-esteem.  
It makes sense, right?  However issues may run so deep that the inner critic, the judgemental self takes a high hand leaving self esteem in a lurch.  Sometimes it is necessary to abandon old patterns and beliefs, to literally "rewire" ourselves to expand self love and therefore improve self esteem.  An added perk is that when you are successful at doing this, loving another unconditionally is possible, even easy!  The aura of positive self esteem attracts people to you like a magnet!  Sometimes it is necessary to seek a mentor, a guide, a coach, a therapist to assist you in this journey.  Below are a few simple steps you can take to improve your self esteem and expand self love.  It's worth taking the time and energy when happiness and productivity in all areas of life and work are your goals:

• Develop a stronger respect of your physical self  by exercising, eating and sleeping well.
• Be around positive, respectful people.  We all "mess up" once in a while; there is no excuse for anyone being disrespectful - negative - acting out in extreme anger most of the time.  That person has problems and needs help - do not be a victim of blame and disrespect.
• Count your blessings every day; be grateful. 
• There are many circumstances outside of our control.  Do not allow them to control you by affecting your mood in extreme ways.
• Everyday, conduct internal "traffic control". Check in with yourself, be quiet and breathe deeply a few times to gently disperse stress and tension in your body.
• Thinking preceeds stress symptoms.  Change your thoughts and you can  reduce negative stress symptoms!
• Be in nature daily.
• Treat-reward yourself for tasks completed-well done!
• Before sleep, recall all the positive aspects of your day and your feelings connected to each. Notice how your self-esteem is improving,  self love is expanding and how you are attracting like people into your life to share this with!

 

I encourage you to take advantage of my Complimentary Coaching Consult via telephone or Skype regarding these and related issues by completing the contact form on my website:   www.balanceandpower.com   

 

 

Are you unhappy with any of your current relationships? If so, you may find it easy to blame the problems on the other person. Do you find yourself saying things like: "No one values my opinion," "We never do what I want," "My partner doesn't spend enough time with me," "If only he/she would change, things would be so much better." 

If any of this sounds familiar, you've probably realized by now that you can't magically change other people. The best way to get the most out of all of your relationships is to start by focusing on yourself.  Read on to discover 4 ways to improve any relationship.

If you have relationships in your life that are not going quite the way you want them to, you've possibly had arguments about what's not working. You might have attempted talking calmly about the problems to see if you could make some changes. You might have even tried ignoring what was going on all together in the hope that the problem would just work itself out. If you think you've tried it all, and you're still dissatisfied with a relationship in your life, don't give up yet... here are four steps that will help to improve your relationships from the inside out.

 ~One – Identify What You Value~

In order to have healthy, satisfying relationships, you have to know what is important to you; to go deep inside and discover what it is you most truly value -- what you want to experience in your relationships.

When we asked a woman in one of our seminars what she valued, she said that she valued it when people didn't fight.

We asked her why it was important to her that people not fight, and she said, "I feel very tense when people fight and it doesn’t seem to get them anywhere.”

So then, we said to her, “It sounds like what you really value is harmony and effectiveness.”  She looked at us very excitedly and said, “Yes, that’s it!”

We use this example to point out that strategies are different than values. If you believe that the only way for you to have harmony and effectiveness in your life is for people not to fight, then experiencing what you value is at the mercy of others. On the other hand, if you understand that your strategy is driven by your value for harmony and effectiveness, it's possible to identify other strategies you can use to experience that value in your life.

~Two – Knowing What You Want~

Along with being able to tell the difference between your strategies and what you value it’s also important be able to identify what you “do want” instead of what you “don't want.”  You may think that it's six of one, half dozen of the other, but they are actually quite different. 

You may have heard this joke: A man is talking to his co-worker, "My wife told me she didn't want me spending so much time at the office, so I joined a bowling league." A funny line, but it's also the perfect example of the importance of expressing what you "do want" and not what you "don't want". What the wife really wanted (and could have said) was that she wanted her husband to spend more time with her.

It's important to remember that knowing and expressing what you “don't want” will NOT get you what you “do want.”  The next time you find yourself saying things that start "I don't want …" stop yourself and let the other person know what it is that you do want from them or from the situation.  Combine this with your ability to identify what you value, and you'll begin to notice a real change in the flow of your relationships.  

~Three – Exploring What They Want~

Once you're clear about what you value and want in your relationship, it's time to start thinking about the other person's point of view. Understanding what someone else values and desires is critical to creating genuinely satisfying relationships. Taking this initiative is something that you can do that will immediately improve the quality of your communication and in turn, your relationship.

Of course, one way to find out what they want is simply to ask them. It's a place to start, but it's not always the most effective way of getting to the truth about what a person really values. As we pointed out above, people often think in terms of their strategies as opposed to focusing on their values.

If you ask them what they want in your relationship you may hear things like, "I want you to _____" (fill in the blank).

spend more time with me

stop being such a know-it-all

listen when I'm talking, etc

Clearly, these statements just tell you what they want you to do, not what they value.  Getting to the values hidden in these statements may require a little detective work on your part. Don't just take their answers at face value; dig down beneath the surface to find out what values are at the base of what they want.  Once you have an idea about the other person's values and what's most important to them, it's much easier to relate them to your own values and identify ways you can work together for mutual satisfaction. 

~Four – Be Gentle With Yourself~

When you're struggling with a relationship, self-doubt and recriminations can often aggravate a situation. While trying to sort things out, it's very common for the past to creep in and trigger that little voice in your head to start whining, complaining, judging, and criticizing the relationship. You tend to focus on how the other person is acting, how you're acting, how it's been in the past, etc. You've probably also become resigned to the idea that things will never change and may be depressed about what the future holds. 

This is a common reaction, but the trick here is to avoid taking the things that the little voice in your head says personally. Remember this the next time you start feeling discouraged, "everything that everyone does or says (including this little voice in your head) is in support of something they value; they are trying to meet some need." Instead of giving in to what your inner voice is saying, ask yourself: "What do I need that is causing me to think this way?" Try to get underneath what you're saying and identify what you value that is missing in the situation. 

In other words, be gentle with yourself. The point here is that you commit to taking the time you need so that you can keep your attention focused on what you value, your deepest desires for the relationship, and creating mutually satisfying outcomes with the other person.

By focusing on these four principles, you can actively improve your relationships from the inside out. If you're interested in other self help, communication, and relationship enhancing tips tools and techniques sign up for our free thought-provoking and motivational Weekly Action Tips eMail series at: http://www.FocusedAttention.com.

Or visit us at: http://www.NewAgeSelfHelp.com

Have you ever taken the blame game relationship quiz? Ever give this test to someone else? It never seems like much fun for anyone, does it? How would you like stop playing "Who's Right, Who's Wrong" game, once and for all? If so, here you'll find five practical steps for creating those magical relationships of co-creation and abundance you've always wanted. Discover relationship advice that opens the door to mutual respect, enhanced intimacy and cooperation in all your important relationships.

How often do you notice people playing this: "I'm Right, You're Wrong" game? Have you ever wondered why this is so common, especially in more intimate relationships? This problem begins by our culture training us to focus on right-wrong thinking.

The good news is that you can unlearn this power-over approach, and start having more genuine cooperation in your relationships. Sound good? Then please keep reading. Just ahead you'll find five steps to open the doors that lead beyond "Us Against Them" thinking and into the power of "WE."

Our life journey has included years of "Us vs. Them" training. Growing up, each step along the way we heard: "It's a dog-eat-dog world," "Look out for number one," "Watch your back," and other such expressions. These created strong mental habits which govern our thinking as well as our actions. Even in our most loving and trusting relationships, we often end up playing the good-bad, right-wrong games.

Got lawyers?

One of the essential skills we all learned is how to prove we are right and defend against being proven wrong. This has become very deeply ingrained. It won't change overnight, and it won't change just by "wanting" it to.

The only way to begin shifting this way of thinking is to learn something new: skills and understandings that open the door to new possibilities. Your desire for more co-creative relationships is what prepares you to use the first step.

Step 1 - INTENTION

Are you clear about your intentions? Do you know the difference between a strategy and an intention? Knowing this difference is essential. Without this you tend to get stuck wanting other people to agree with your strategies. This can leave people feeling closed and defensive. Even worse, being attached to one particular strategy dramatically limits your opportunities to be satisfied.

 One strategy = One opportunity.

On the other hand, a strategy-free intention describes only what you value and the qualities you want to experience in a situation. Starting with pure intention like this is necessary when creating outcomes that will satisfy everyone. Identifying a clear, strategy-free intention is also essential for using the next step.

Step 2 - ALIGNMENT

Is everyone on the same page? Do you want similar results? Establishing alignment is the second step to successful co-creation. In life, we go about our own lives, trying to achieve our own goals, yet we are all still interconnected. This puts limits on how far we can get in achieving our own results without cooperation.

The process of creating alignment starts by getting clear about what is important to everyone. It's co-creating a shared vision of success. Beginning by learning alignment paves the way for easy agreements and abundant results, which produces far greater satisfaction for everyone. You need alignment to use the next step.

Step 3 - NEGOTIATION

Will you take everyone's needs into consideration? Will you keep at it until everyone is satisfied? Understanding the difference between negotiation and compromise plays a big part in being willing and able to stick with the process.

Compromise is the way of an "Us Against Them" world. It begins by identifying what everyone wants. Then you see who's willing to give up parts of what they want until everyone can live with what's left. This results from having your attention focused on lack, limitation, and fear. It's based in the belief that there isn't enough to go around, so you have to settle for or take whatever you can get.

Negotiation is the way in an abundant world. It begins by identifying what everyone values and what is missing for them. Then, while you keep your attention focused on everyone's values, strategies will emerge that make it possible for everyone to be satisfied, without any compromise needed. Once everyone is satisfied with the strategies, you're ready to use step number four.

Step 4 - AGREEMENT

What's the plan? What needs to happen and who's willing to do what? After everyone's had their say, people often people think they've made agreements. In reality they've only expressed vague understandings of what they want, and how they would like that to happen.

Co-creation relies on your ability to make clear, doable requests that lead to definite agreements. Powerful agreements are specific about who, what, when, where, and how. They include a positive confirmation of each person's willingness to do their part.

Explicit agreements increase your effectiveness and everyone's satisfaction. Once you've made your powerful agreements you're all set for step number five.

Step 5 - ACCOUNTABILITY

Will your agreements continue to work for everyone? Will they create the results you want? Without accountability you can't know if your agreements are actually working. If you wait to find out they aren't working, you may have already built up dangerous levels of frustration, resentment, and resignation.

You create accountability by setting specific times to review how well your agreements are working, and schedule discussions to see what changes might be needed.

These accountability meetings will allow you to continue practicing the 5 steps of co-creation.
 1 - Do you still have a clear INTENTION?
 2 - Are you still in ALIGNMENT?
 3 - Do you need more NEGOTIATION?
 4 - Is it time to make new AGREEMENTS?
 5 - How will you ensure ongoing ACCOUNTABILITY?

Accountability is the final step that opens the doors to the co-creative power of "WE."

Now you have all five steps that open the doors improved communication, enhanced intimacy, and genuine partnerships. We hope you choose to learn more about these five steps and commit to practicing them in all of your important relationships.

---------------------

If you are ready to find out about other relationship, communication, and intimacy enhancing tools and techniques, including additional self help tips, sign up for our thought-provoking and motivational Weekly Action Tips eMail series at: http://www.FocusedAttention.com

Each tip offers real world advice for creating and maintaining the relationships that you've always wanted.

Or visit us at: http://www.NewAgeSelfHelp.com

Addressing issues can be challenging for many of us. Many times we either ‘fight’ or ‘fly’ depending on how we were raised and how we saw our families of origin deal with conflict. ‘Fighting’ and ‘flying’ both lead to alienation and are aggressive and passive behaviors respectively.

 

When we are passive in dealing with conflict we may feel powerless to change what we consider a ‘hostile dynamic’ so we react by withdrawing, retreating or hiding. This often results in blocks to communication. On the other side of the spectrum by acting aggressively to address conflict we react in a way that’s scary and intimidating to others. As a result we stand to alienate those with whom we interact.

 

One of the most empowering ways I know to communicate around conflict is by using assertive behaviors. Using assertive strategies allows us to respond rather than react and we build mutual respect and intimacy rather than alienation.

 

Becoming assertive requires a very conscious shift in our mindset. We must first recognize that we have rights. This is fundamental to changing unhealthy relationship dynamics and gaining the respect we desire in our interactions with others.

 

1. Recognize your rights.

 Assertive people know they have the right to:

 

• Be treated with respect
• Express their own opinion, feelings, thoughts
• Say no
• Decide for themselves what they want
• Make mistakes
• Be themselves

 

2.  Assess what’s  happening. Determine how to respond assertively rather than react to the situation. Whenever possible take a deep breath, think about what you’re going to say and how you’re going to say it.  Where possible, write down what you’re planning to say and practice. It’s best to discuss the issue with the other person when you’re calm and in control of your emotions.

 

3.  Express how you feel using “I statements”. Take responsibility for your own feelings.  For example, “I feel upset when you shout at me.”

4. Focus on future action instead of on the situation that just occurred.  For example, “In future I would like you to speak to me in a calm voice.”

 

5.  If you feel you’re still not being heard, you may try the technique of ‘escalating’.

Use your hand like a stop sign, stand in your power and in a firm voice say: “I would like you to stop…”  Pause for effect.

 

If you’re still not being heard say something like: “I have asked you to stop and it seems you’re not listening. If you choose to continue I’m going to be forced to ….” (leave the room, stop communicating with you until you are willing to be respectful, etc).  Choose an action that makes sense in the situation and follow through with what you say you’re going to do if you’re not being heard.

 

5. Seek Respect.  Your goal is not to be liked.  It’s to be respected. Once you understand this you can begin to express your feelings and open the lines of communication with people you interact with.  This creates greater intimacy and mutual respect in your relationships…